In a muted kind of way, I resemble the Leo lion that I am. I like having attention from a small group. I do not like being the center of attention, nor do I enjoy public speaking. I am relatively kept to myself. I have a small comfortable band of "co-horts" and I prefer it this way any day.

For an unLeolike I really am, I find it funny howreading a copy of my daily horoscope is nearly dead on accurate.

Either way, I am still me (whoever that is).

Namaste

I don't know if it is pain, or anger, or shock... but when I have to deal with this certain treatment from a loved one, I amthe most effected.

I grew up thinking that the home was a sanctuary of safety and love and not to expect those who live in it to resemble the outside world in terms of attitude and action.

Expect more because loved ones are held to higher standards.

I am always distrubed on a deep level when I find a dear loved on behaving like there is not a care in the world, save for thier own selfish endeavours.

My destiny involves having the means to be creative and exploratory. I want to have the liesure time to lounge with a cup of coffee all morning before flying to South America to climb to Manchu Picchu. I want to not have to betied to a job so that I can see exhibits and shows that will make me think right in the middle of the day. Having the freedom to do what I want, when I want to is a goal of mine.

Being teathered to the constructs of this societal responsibilities stiffle my enjoyment of life.

Of course this is just my perspective; and that is ever in flux and guaranteed to be termoral.

I wirte poetry.

When i was a small child, my grandfather died. He had left me a savings account. After his death, I dreamt of him coming to tell me that something was wrong with the account and that my mother should call them to find out what exactly was wrong. My mother ignored my dreams. I continued to have these dreams for a momth and I remember coming to my mother and telling her what my grandfather (her father) was saying.

On the last night, my grandfather came to me and said that everything was fine and worked out on thier own. Some money was missing but it as found.

I told my mother about the dream. I waited until after the mail man came and left. I checked the mail box and there was a letter from the bank where my granfather's account for me was held. In that letter, everything I had told my mother was recorded from the bank's perspective.

My mother was shocked.

That is just one of many.

Many years ago, I remember being told that a person could change the course of a dream simply by becoming aware that they were dreaming. My first attempt at this was during a nightmare. I was horribly frightened and told myself that this was not real. I then looked around (within the dream) for a way out of the scary situation. Once I found it, the whole storyline of the dream changed. It was like walking through a door and finding the sunshining, birds chirping, a gentle breeze blowing.

From that moment on, whenever I am dreaming of something I do not like or want to continue, I tell myself that it is a dream and exit the storyline for another.

Namaste

I have never had a role model. I have been unusually drawn to certain people in our history. One that comes to mind is Anne Frank. I found her diary when I was about 12 years old. I was a budding writter myself (even at that age) and I could truly identify with Anne's personality and outlook on Life. When I finished her diary, I read every biography I could find on her. She was like the best friend I never got to meet. And I treated her as such.

A few months ago, my mother sent me a care package. In the box, amongst other things, was a copy of Anne Frank's diary. I smiled, like I were looking at a picture of an old friend, and begun to read it again.

Namaste

My answer is: yes.

My explaination:

I believe that there are two entities ultimately in control of the form we assume on this plane of existence. There is the God~Self, which is the spark of divinity, the soul, the spirit inside of us that we come to call "the real person". Then there is the body itself. It functions like a machine; eating, sleeping, having sex, using the rest room, etc...

These two are not always in conjunction. We sometimes think one thing and do another. We sometimes want to adhere to something, but are overcome by hunger (or something similar) and we cannot comply. We sometimes fall aslleep during a movie or lecture even though we want to pay attention.

That kind of response is easy. Our bodies take such complete and automatic care of us that we usually aren't even aware that we are having a physical response. We just do.

Harder of the two is to allow the God~Self to respond first in certain instances. This means we should think before we speak, consider others, give of ourselves, forgive regardless of the recepient's positive/negative response, etc...

Just think about it the next time you are called to have a response (of any kind). Will you stop and think; or will you react and deal with the consequences of your immediate actions?

Namaste

I wrote these two peices of poetry tonight to help me purge. The first, Expectation, is written about my son and my interpretation of his recent experiences; the observation of his grief. The second, Discarded, is the same emotions from my own personal perspective of the same set of experiences.

Expectation

 

 

Nestled within tepid fleece;

cradled by the fuzzy consolation

of Winnie the Pooh,

is a naïve cherub.

Lazily drifting away

whilst the fluid sound of snoring

can scarcely be perceived.

He recalled

in a flicker of chance,

the departure of a Deity;

the source of Agony and Ecstasy.

He has reminisced of

a mislaid opportunity;

overwhelmed by Pride.

In the Now,

in Ever-eternal circular motion,

he rests his small corporeal façade

in the foyer,

in expectation of the Deity's return.

Discarded

 

Listening to Landslide,

encompassed by what has passed,

unsure of why I decline to weep.

Bittersweet is the joy of Today's surprise,

knowing that this will always be.

Misunderstood are the motivations

for these crushed plans

and the gravity of desertion,

as brought down the mountain side

is Potential's promise.

My reflection is a smudge

left by a cumbersome burden.

In the soft and blissful smile of our Creation

lies all Reasons of why and why not.

As you are marching toward

Righteous Action,

discarded I am rearing our son.

I think that when we give to another person, that part of us that is sacred, we are compromising ourselves for that relationship. It is an individual choice whether or not to relinquish from our hold what is so dear to us. If we do give it away, we must deal with the loss. If we harbour it, we must deal with the lonliness.

I am at these crossroads myself. I am weighing the consequences. However, I am making this decision for two. And that brings me to understand the serverity of what I face. I am trusted and counted on to make all the correct decisions for someone who utterly depends on me for everything.

Now I know the true meaning of compromise.

It is getting better. I do yoga stretches each morning now and some mild pilates. I have a long way to go, but I will get there and am not in a rush. Right now I have other things going on in my life. But this is something that I have put off for no good reason.

I have had a horrible self-image for many years of my life. Recently, I was not so concerned because I felt stronger than my self-critiques. Of late, I realise that my body is a vibration of my thoughts. So as I change my thoughts, so do I change my outward appearance. It is a push and pull effect.

So I am focused now on the enjoyment of yoga and pilates. If I lose weight or become more shaprely then I will be happy. If I don't then I will be happy. It is about the journey and not the destination for me.

Namaste